I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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