just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
