I wish life had little blips of pornography
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
