Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
