if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
