wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
