Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
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I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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