i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
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