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Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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