oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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