I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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