I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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