shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
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Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
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How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
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