sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Christians are straight up FREAKS
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Randomize
