On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
