i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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