He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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