so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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