At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
