I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Randomize
