I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
