I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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