Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Randomize
