; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
