So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
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He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
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Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
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