I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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