I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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