"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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