I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
