I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
