I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize