I just made out with a guy for $7.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
