does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
