My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
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They took my balls.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
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Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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