The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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