I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
