You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Randomize
