i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
