here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
