my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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