I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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