Betty ford says i'm here all night
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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