why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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