What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
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He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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