I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
