I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
