I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
My day in three words: secret purse cake
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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