I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
