I'm so fucking centered right now
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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