Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
