Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
