Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
