Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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