We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
