Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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