Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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